Get to Know KD - Teeny Style
How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A fucking paltry 27. At any given time, I wear maybe five or six of those pairs. Unlike WD, I actually throw shoes out. And since I buy them quite regularly, my stock remains stable. I just don't have the closet space for more.
How many of those are high heels?
12. Well. It depends on what you call heels. But roughly half. I would tend not to call heeled boots high heels. But if you're gonna be all picky, I guess about 18, 19 pairs.
Can you run in heels?
Yes, I can. In fact, my house shoes, what I slip on when I get home from a long day's stripping over at the club, are a pair of puple satin slides with two-and-a-half inch heels. Just think of something Marilyn Monroe would wear, take off the marabou, and you've got the image. I actually find them comfy. Warped, I know. But I can run quite well in these. Marginally less well than I can in sneakers. It's all about the practice, man. I could be a drag queen, no problem.
How high are your highest pair of heels?
Um, four, four and a bit inches, no platforms? They're my whore shoes. They look like Minnie Mouse shoes. I love them. If I wear them with a over-the-knee skirt, I get this whole forties vibe going. Love them.
Have you ever been to a pimp 'n ho party?
Yes.
If so, what did you wear?
The whore shoes, fishnet, short short camo print skirt, orange lycra top my boobs were falling out of, big hair, shades, red lipstick. I could not figure out why so many men were hitting on me until I finally looked in the mirror. Hey there, part of my left nipple. Thanks so much for telling me, people.
How tall are you?
5'9"
Are you cool with that?
Yup. Wouldn't mind being a bit taller, actually. I like being able to stare down at people literally as well as metaphorically. It also means that the population of men I'm prepared to date is self-selected down to a manageable number. Sometimes, in the States, I notice that there's a kind of discrepancy going on in the height department between me and everyone else, but since I grew up in the world's tallest country, I tend to think that everyone else is a fucking midget, and not that I'm a giantess.
What color is your hair?
Blond.
Is that your real color?
AHAHAHA. Yeah. It's real. Much in the same way Britney's is. In fact, my hair is naturally blond. I just dye the roots brown for that edgy effect.
Are you religious?
I prefer to call it "spiritual", people. Religious is so three years ago. Sort of like those WWJD bracelets.
Cats or dogs?
Dogs. Cats are too much like me for comfort. We stare at each other and stay out of each other's way.
Do you like kids?
Yes. Only until they hit about ten. Then there's a gap until they're adults. I'm gonna send mine to boarding school for that whole period. "Just come back when you've stopped breaking out, honey!"
Do you have any?
God, no. Jesus. I hope not. I mean, I'd know and everything. But still. Ugh. I like 'em, I do. I just don't want any for about six or seven decades. I'm counting on modern medicine to help me out here, of course.
Do you want to get married?
No. No kidding, the thought makes me nervous. I'm a bad girlfriend (Don't call me. Don't expect me to call you. Don't hang out with my friends. Don't expect me to hang out with yours. Don't have any kind of romantic candlelit dinner things for me. Don't try to meet my parents. I don't want to meet yours. Don't talk about your feelings. If you value your gonads, don't try to get me to talk about mine. Men are all cool with this until we actually get there, they call me, and I'm like "Dude, I just talked to you like three days ago. What the hell are you calling me for?".) and I can't imagine I'd be a better wife. Ugh. Horrors. Stop talking about it, man. You're giving me the creeps.
Do you think you'll get married?
No. I mean, never say never and all that, but I really don't. When I was five? My daydreams were about being the president, or, failing that, someone who ran around and beat people with a stick if they called Oregonians Webbies. Even back then, I had ambitions.
Have you ever woken up next to someone you barely knew?
Yes, but there was no sex of any kind involved. I just woke up and there was this guy, and I said "Dude, who are you?" and he said "Dude, who are you?" and we looked around and we didn't recognize the room, so we both went home. Dunno who that was.
Have you ever drunk so much you threw up?
Yes. Quite a few times. My best barfing stories?
After my third kegstand, someone sat three glasses full of clear liquid in front of me and explained that one held water, one gin and tonic, and one gin. I zoned out after word one, but I still looked vaguely sober, and people figured I could deal. So they pull the old switcheroo on the glasses, and I pick one, and down it. Hmm, that first swallow tipped me off. That weren't no water in that there glass, Rhonda. But I was already swallowing, what the hell. It was too much of an effort to set the glass down. I drain the fucker. Then there's this black hole. Then I'm in the bathroom with two people holding my hair back, a third instructing me on how to get the best heaving technique going, thanks, buddy, because it was not something my stomach was getting all on it's own, and the guy who had fed me the gin wailing about his guilt in the background. "I thought she was sober! I thought she was sober!" And his frat brother yelling at him. "She did three keg stands in ten minutes, you moron! Who do you think she is? Keith Richards?"
We were at a party at someone's parents' house. They were gone. Fun times. Someone fed me apfelkorn and Bailey's. Tip? Don't ever do that. So I crawl out into the backyard and find this likely-looking patch of grass, and start heaving. Just as I'm finishing up, and this random guy is falling into the pond, the parents come home. Not so fun. Oh, and it turns out I was puking in the herb garden. All over the chives.
New Year's. I'm sitting at the bar, talking to this guy I've had a crush on forever. God, he's hot. Look at that. What's he talking about again? Who cares. Look at his lips. Gosh, they're pretty. Huh. What's going on in my stomach? Oh. Dear. I should go drink some water or something. Yeah. If only he would shut up for two seconds so I could tell him I'm leaving. Fuck. This is not good. Shut up, you bastard. Pause. Come up for air. Please. Oh. God. I'm gonna puke on his pants. Shit. Must get out of here. Right. Just interrupt him. Tell him you're going to the bathroom. Fuck. He isn't pausing. Shit. Now he's telling me how cute I look. Yeah, well, I won't look so cute when I'm bent over your lap, bringing up my dinner. And lunch. And breakfast, from the feel of it. Oh, thank God. He has to pause for a breather. Okay. That's right. Tell him you're going off to the bathroom. Wow. That sounded really garbled. I dunno if he understood me. Whatever. Have to go. Okay. Walk. Careful. No problem. Okay. In the hall. This is good. Oops. Don't think I'm gonna make it. Phew. Made it. Sorta. There's a sink. That's close enough.
In short: no underage drinking, people. You'll suffer and die.
Passed out?
No. I took my blanket into the bathroom and slept next to the toilet once, though.
Danced on a table?
Um. Yes? There was no stripping involved, however.
Hooked up with a truly random guy?
Um. Yes. Sorry. Costume party. I'm Shirley Temple. Hot guy walks up to me. He's Zorro. I'm drunk. He says: "Hey". I say: "Hey". He says, classic line: "I bet you're smarter than I am". Two minutes later, we're kissing. In public. Which breaks a CARDINAL rule. But hey, I was like seventeen. I'm allowed.
Do you vote?
Yes. Every fucking chance I get.
Does it piss you off when people don't?
Yes. Immensely. Don't get me started on that one, or I'll start lecturing you about democracy and blah blah blah. Just punch your fucking chad, people.
Have you ever fainted?
Yes. In yoga class. How lame is that? We were doing sun salutations and I just... dropped. Tres dramatic. My instructor was like "Don't worry, don't worry, it's just her Kundalini energy releasing itself". I was like "Dude, no, it's just me having too much coffee for breakfast."
What's your favorite book?
Dispatches, by Michael Herr.
What's your real favorite book?
Frederica, by Georgette Heyer.
What's your favorite movie?
Priest
And your real favorite?
The Matrix. Or Under Siege. Or Face/Off. I like 'splosions and fire and guns and men yelling "Lock and load, gentlemen! Get ready to rock and roll!"
Do you like caviar?
No. That shit just proves that if you make stuff expensive enough, people will buy ANYTHING.
Do you use those nose strips?
Yes.
Do you think they work?
I don't know. I think I just have to believe they do, because they're expensive. Dude, have you ever noticed that Justin has like NO PORES? What is UP with that? Do you think the beautician comes in every morning and gives him a facial?
Do you ever wear mismatched socks?
Most of the time. I'm too lazy to sort my laundry down to that level of detail.
Do you wear either glasses or contacts?
Contacts.
If so, are you blind without them?
Yeah. It's sad. I want that laser eye surgery thing, dude. I could never be on Survivor. I'd get eaten by a rat I thought was a puppy or something.
Who's the weirdest person you find hot?
David Letterman. I don't know. He's so lanky and sarcastic and cruel. I like it a lot. But before you mock me, I'll have you know that Janet Jackson thinks he's hot, too. So. You know.
Have you ever gone out in public without underwear?
Yes.
Have you ever gone out in public without knickers for a reason other than lack of clean underwear?
No. I wear a lot of thongs, though. A lot. A lot lot lot of thongs. So if that helps you to think I'm kinky, whatever. I don't understand why people think thongs are sexy. I mean- they're up your ASS. That's not sexy. I just can't abide pantylines. Hate them. Even if I'm just home on my own, I can't handle the thought of that crease on your butt. Ugh.
Do you get PMS?
No. I get really spectacular lower-back cramps when I'm actually having el periodico, though. And my boobs are so painful you aren't allowed within two or three yards of me. You look at 'em and they hurt.
Do you like to watch Oprah?
Yes.
Do you like her?
Most of the time, I do. Dr. Phil annoys me somewhat, but anyway. I like it when she brings that friend of hers on and they talk about how the first time people show you who they are, you should believe them. I sit on the couch and nod wisely.
Which, if any, soap operas do you watch?
None. Can't stand the fuckers. I'm ashamed to admit that I watch Trek, however. Which is a kind of soap, really.
Have you ever been arrested?
NO! I'm so straight it's not even funny. I would die of shame if I got arrested.
Do you skip class much?
Um. Sometimes I forget where my faculty is.
Do you stop to pet cute dogs on the street?
Yes. All the time. Dogs are the first thing I notice anywhere. If there are dogs, it's a good city. As long as they aren't the horrible little ratsy dogs.
What's the first thing you notice about a man?
After general impressions like height and girth, his shoes. Shoes say a lot about a man.
Are you sincerely appalled by the explicit lyrics of Digital Getdown?
Yes. I was distressed to see that when they were on Larry King and someone asked JC about it, he seemed to be genuinely clueless. I mean, that either means he lives in an alternate reality, or that he does it SO much that it's become completely normal to him. I don't know which one is sadder.
I'm thinking that Digital Getdown would raise my eyebrows even if I heard some other, more credible "band" doing it. Okay, so he doesn't swear or mention specific body parts, but you can't get much more explicit than that song. Thanks to Chasez, I have this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE image of him grinning and leaning back and unzipping plastered on my brain. I don't like that image. It's not sexy. It's just uncomfortable.
If you could ask NSYNC only one question, what would it be?
What does it feel like when some girl you've never seen before comes up and starts crying and tells you she loves you?
Okay.
Now what does it really feel like?
If you could ask any famous person only one question, who would it be, and why?
I would ask the Pope if he honestly believes that not using birth control or not ordaining women or not fully accepting homosexuals was in any way Jesus' point. I'm not trying to change his mind. I just want to know.
What's your favorite Kevin Smith movie?
Mallrats.
Did you actually like The English Patient?
I hated it. I was the only person in the world who wanted the bomb to explode. I sat up at that point. I was like "Oooh! 'Splosions! Kewl! Things are looking up!"
Do you cry at the movies?
Yes. All the time. I have friends who won't go to the movies with me because I howled so loudly during Legends of the Fall that people two rows down were passing me Kleenex.
If so, what was the dumbest movie that ever made you cry?
Uncle Tom's Cabin. I'm a soft touch.
Have you ever fallen asleep in the movie theatre? If so, during which movie?
Yes. I slept through everything but the first ten minutes of Highlander III. Mario Van Peebles' raspy voice was a nice background noise to sleep to.
Do you believe in the concept of soulmates?
No. Sorry.
Are you a romantic?
No. I mean, not in the flowers and candles sense. Yes in the Byronic sense. I mean, running off to some foreign country to fight in their civil war? Totally something I would do. Totally.
Are you a cynic?
Yes. Well. Only in certain ways. Like, religious cynic? No. Political cynic? Yes. Etc. I pick and choose what I'm going to be cool or gushy about.
Celine Dion: your reaction, please.
Oh, GOD. She scares the shit out of me. I can't understand that so many people just love her. I mean, her music? Soft rock CRAP. I hate it. It all goes back to my hatred of ballads in general. Plus, her face is so damn LONG.
Have you seen Titanic?
No. I don't want to. I already know how it ends and everything.
Do you think Leonardo DiCaprio is hot?
No. I don't get that whole thing. He's effeminate. Don't get it.
How do you feel about Public Displays of Affection?
I can't stand them. I want to go up and slap people. Holding hands is the absolute limit. Get a fucking room. No one cares that you've found love eternal. No one is impressed. It's annoying and that's all it is.
Now that Dubya is in office, are you worried about the state of the nation?
Somewhat, yes. But I'm counting on the almighty bureaucracy to keep him from making any changes.
What's your favorite, or favorite at the moment, line from a book?
"After my first tour, I used to have nightmares. People dying, me dying. I thought they were the worst. But I kind of miss them now." - Dispatches by Michael Herr.
From a movie?
"If I were to send you flowers... No, let me rephrase that. If I were to... let you suck on my tongue, would you be grateful?" - Nicholas Cage in Face/Off.
From a song?
"When I was three, I thought the world revolved around me, I was wrong." - Party Girl by U2
Which celebrity do you most resemble?
Drew Barrymore.
Describe yourself in one word.
Irreverent.